i've been known to break out into song...


Monday, July 14, 2008

Assemble in 3 Easy Steps

So, I have had this blog brewing in my mind for years now......
A few years back, my Mom came to SLC from North Carolina for a visit. While out and about I decided I should get a barbecue and we would bbq that night. Of course, the biggest factor in selecting a barbecue was a model that looked like it could be assembled easily. Imagine our joy when we came across one that proudly boasted "Easy, 3 Step Assembly". We knew we had found the grill that was meant for me. We carry it (yes, carry. If any of you have ever been to any kind of store with me you know how I delight in seeing how many items I can balance in my arms, mouth, head or otherwise) to the register, pay and practically dance a jig to the car in our anticipation of the grilled food that permeates our future.
Once we get home, we tear into the box expecting this thing to be practically assembled and curious to see what 3 easy steps are awaiting us - like placing the stickers on, or maybe, just maybe, attaching a few knobs. Much to our dismay, what seemed like thousands of pieces, rolled out of the box and into a heap on the floor. Never one to be deterred, I unleashed my inner mechanic and got busy. An hour or so later my mom questioned the "3 easy steps" that had lured us in. My response? Yes mom, 3 easy ones and 14 hard ones. So, I guess the manufacturer didn't really lie, it was more like an omission. Even better, here are the instructions that came along with said bbq:


Yep, a parts list and a picture that looks like a paint by number project. Obviously they spent their time and money developing the large "NO TOOLS REQUIRED" text box. You probably can't see the detail (click on the image to enlarge if you don't want to take my word for it) but all along the right side of the page are warnings about following the manufacturer's shitty directions or ELSE!

So, imagine my surprise when I pick up a bag of Wheat Thins the other day and find this label:

So, let me get this straight -the item that can cause serious injury, death and/or property damage comes with an after school art project for directions and the wheat thins come with directions on how to close the damn bag? I'm sorry, if you don't know how to seal up the snack bag - you don't deserve to eat them and enjoy all the salty goodness they have to offer. I must confess, that was the kind of "3 Easy Steps" I was expecting in the bbq assembly.
Just wanted to point out another consumer injustice.
Om, natural gas and bodily harm,
Penny

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Patience of a Lion

Hello friends! Like the title of the much anticipated, LATE AS HELL blog? Someone just referred to me in that manner and I thought it was a fitting way to describe all of you who have been patiently waiting for me to come out of my dehydrated, sleep deprived, post-ragnar state of being. Okay, so race update......I posed a few pressing questions that I know you all are dying to get answered:
Most importantly, I really feel like my aerodynamic pigtails were a hit. Not only with my team but with everyone. During this event people are really pushed outside of their comfort zone, not once did someone snap at me, although I saw this going on all around me. I think this is direct proof of how disarming pigtails are on a thirty -something year old. I'm also quite certain that I was mistaken for a young child several times, that became obvious when a police officer literally jumped out of his car to stop traffic for me and practically held my hand across the street - all the other runners were forced to risk life and limb while they crossed. Or maybe he just had a thing for girls in pigtails and running skirts......As far as the gel packs go - oh, let's see, my mistake. I thought I would be consuming gel packs in addition to regular food, but no. Not only were there VERY few places to get some real food along the way, places like Subway ran out of bread. Yes, it's true. Ran out of bread. How does that happen when you have an industrial size oven and 6,200 lbs of dough in the back? Adrienne (a fellow van 2 team member) made a great point, conveniently they still had "wraps", which apparently were so bad, she speculated they "ran out of bread" intentionally, just to get rid of the wraps before they went bad. While we are on the subject of food, fortunately I brought my own donuts. Nobody else seemed to view donuts as pre or post race food!? Bizarre, I know. I did however, eventually entice a couple of teammates to join me in the partaking of melted chocolate donette gems. I think they are now convinced of the importance of such things before and after events like this. As far as my hope to hit Noodles & Company, or any kind of pasta for that matter - those hopes were dashed in the blink of an eye when I went to order lasagna at Snowbasin (a big, central exchange point) only to be told they were out of pasta. WTF? I just don't get how all these people were running out of food. Obviously, the food gods were not smiling upon me this particular weekend. I had to settle for a salad and a solemn promise from Tim (see good food and friends post for more on Tim) that he would find me some real food, and quick. Of course, shortly thereafter the Subway debacle occurred. Real food translated to some string cheese he brought along and a questionably warm yogurt. Oh and the poison bananas that prompted me to make crude jokes (everyone calls bananas home wreckers, right?) and made three of us in the van sick. Back to the gel packs, I did attempt to eat one in broad daylight - it was strawberry - banana. I managed to get less than half the pack down before I started gagging. At that point I switched to raisinettes. Yes, the same raisinettes that Tim dangled out of the window while I was running (I use the word "running" loosely here) the big hill to ensure that I would keep moving. It was quite hot by the time I hit the hill, so immediately after being poured into my hand they started melting. That particular run is mountain - esque and the melted raisinettes in the palm of my hand reminded me of deer poop. I actually made the van hand me baby wipes to wash my hands as I ran. I figured it would be a pretty lonely run if people thought I had been playing in deer poop, pigtails or not. Speaking of, the deer - poop - like raisinettes turned out to be the closest thing to wildlife I encountered.
As far as overall running, my Echo Reservoir run was my favorite leg. There are a few reasons for this, one being that it was at 3 A.M. which gave me the opportunity to inform my teammates (who were already shocked by my sailor - like dialogue) that I was a woman of the night, in more ways than one. I shouted that little tidbit as I took off into the night, wearing the worlds cutest headlamp and an orange safety vest that was large enough to fit me and John Candy in it at the same time.
Another thing that made me heart this leg was the company, as the most incredible person I have met in a long time came to run with me. After driving the ENTIRE day and half the night coming home from New Mexico, he even then had to run all the way back to his car. I had a couple of little hills at the end there that, absent his company, I would NOT have run - something closer to walking or crawling would have been more like it. And I don't mean because I felt I had to prove something to him (trust me, I've known those men also) - he really couldn't have cared less if I walked, ran or sat down and ate a donut. Mostly, I guess I just liked the pressure free company and thought it was exceedingly nice of him. Then, as luck would have it - said sweet person hit a deer right after he left. But did that deter him? Nope. He still managed to meet me for my last leg and ride along side me for the last part of it. As if that weren't enough, he then went to get me some ice, rescued me from our cramped team van, took me to Starbucks for an iced beverage, and hung out at the finish line with me while I waited to join the team in running across it together! No, readers - he is not a figment of my imagination. Just a really cool guy who is sweet enough for anyone's sister and manly enough for anyone's dad. They do exist...they're just rare.

Another note to self and to any of you who are considering joining the Ragnar Relay next year, there is very little support, aside from your team van, along the way. Don't expect "honey bees" (a nice name for enclosed shit holes aka outhouses) to be around every corner. Here's another hot tip for ya - make a conscious effort to only use the honey bees after dark. In the light of day they are just too much to stomach. Really. Especially by day two. Another tip would be to bring your own digital camera. See, I decided to rock it old school and shoot this event in black and white film. Yes, film - you know where you actually take it to Rite Aid and get butterflies in your stomach with the anticipation of who had their eyes closed and mouth open in what picture.......ahh the nostalgia of it all. Anyway, those of us on van 2 are losers when it comes to sharing photos. Not one of us has emailed pictures to our fellow van mates, though every single person from van 1 has managed to share their photos......That has been the biggest delay in posting this blog, I have a love for blogging with photos and it pains me to post this blog without any photos. Maybe some of my van 2 peeps are reading this and it will motivate them to share one of their many team photos with me........Well, time to wrap this up. If I do get lucky enough to receive some team photos, I will post another blog, introducing all the characters in our van and letting you in on some of the van dialogue! It just isn't as funny if you don't have the accompanying photos. Really, you guys owe my friend Tristan for this (un) timely blog. Without her comments and emails, I would still be patiently waiting (like a lion) for some team photos.
Om and Raisinettes,
Penny

P.S. Here is one photo (from aforementioned Echo companion) just to reassure you all that I really was at the race. Once again, I have selected the photo I look the worst in, mostly because I like the old guy in the background checking out my ass. And nevermind the fact that my shirt is stuffed into my bra. After I had my teammates soak me down with water it weighed nearly 70 lbs. I decided to see what it was like to have to lug that kind of weight around in your bra. You know, if you really had boobs.