A few years back, my Mom came to SLC from North Carolina for a visit. While out and about I decided I should get a barbecue and we would bbq that night. Of course, the biggest factor in selecting a barbecue was a model that looked like it could be assembled easily. Imagine our joy when we came across one that proudly boasted "Easy, 3 Step Assembly". We knew we had found the grill that was meant for me. We carry it (yes, carry. If any of you have ever been to any kind of store with me you know how I delight in seeing how many items I can balance in my arms, mouth, head or otherwise) to the register, pay and practically dance a jig to the car in our anticipation of the grilled food that permeates our future.
Once we get home, we tear into the box expecting this thing to be practically assembled and curious to see what 3 easy steps are awaiting us - like placing the stickers on, or maybe, just maybe, attaching a few knobs. Much to our dismay, what seemed like thousands of pieces, rolled out of the box and into a heap on the floor. Never one to be deterred, I unleashed my inner mechanic and got busy. An hour or so later my mom questioned the "3 easy steps" that had lured us in. My response? Yes mom, 3 easy ones and 14 hard ones. So, I guess the manufacturer didn't really lie, it was more like an omission. Even better, here are the instructions that came along with said bbq:
Yep, a parts list and a picture that looks like a paint by number project. Obviously they spent their time and money developing the large "NO TOOLS REQUIRED" text box. You probably can't see the detail (click on the image to enlarge if you don't want to take my word for it) but all along the right side of the page are warnings about following the manufacturer's shitty directions or ELSE!
So, imagine my surprise when I pick up a bag of Wheat Thins the other day and find this label:
So, let me get this straight -the item that can cause serious injury, death and/or property damage comes with an after school art project for directions and the wheat thins come with directions on how to close the damn bag? I'm sorry, if you don't know how to seal up the snack bag - you don't deserve to eat them and enjoy all the salty goodness they have to offer. I must confess, that was the kind of "3 Easy Steps" I was expecting in the bbq assembly.
Just wanted to point out another consumer injustice.
Om, natural gas and bodily harm,
Penny
11 comments:
And with that brief, beautiful, perfectly smartass post, she who is fabulous jumps back into the blogging world like she never missed a beat.
Who are you kidding - we all know there are only three instructions that Penny Lane Frate follows:
1 - Eat (everything in sight)
2 - Drink (like a fish)
3 - Be Merry (what else could you be?)
Love and perfectly crisped veggie burgers,
Corb
And by 'Frate' I meant 'Frates' - I have seen you naked way too many times for anyone to believe I don't know your last name, right?
Though, with that last comment, I insinuated that everyone who has seen you naked knows your last name and, by extension, that you know there's as well. Let it be known that I am not making this kind of declaration.
Thank you for qualifying that. At this point it would be futile to portry myself as a respectable, hoity toity member of Junior League.
Right Bridgette? (Some people have temple names, Corbie and I have Junior League names. Someday we will infiltrate Junior League. But not with names like Penny and Corbie)
Love,
Eleanor
And by portry, I mean portray. See why they haven't accepted us to Junior League yet?
Okay, first off, I am aware of at least one other 'instruction' that Penny follows, and Corbie, quite frankly I'm disappointed that you failed to mention it. Especially since it is the main reason Penny has only had time for two posts in the last 5 weeks.
Anyway, about 12 years ago I needed to buy an entertainment center for my apartment. I head off to RC Willey, and like you, settle on one labled 'some assembly required.' Not at all worried, I figure I can handle it and schedule it for delivery. When it shows up 2 days later and the box was bigger than me I should have been worried. I about passed out when I opened the box and found a bag containing an assortment of just under 1000 fasteners. No joke. Eight hours later...you get the point.
And moving on to the Wheat Thins. Many years ago I read an article in Reader's Digest. At the time, the owner's manual for a Ford Escort actually said 'To roll down window, turn crank.' Okay, if you can't figure that out, you aren't smart enough to drive on the same roads I do. And I'm not that great a driver...just ask Steve...I have the insurance bill to prove it. The article also stated that the most common phone call to the 800 number at Gillette was something along the lines of 'No matter what I do, I can't get my razor to work.' Their response? Take of the protective plastic cover, dumbass! And my personal favorite: some redneck farmer places his ladder in a pile of manure. Consequently, his boots are slippery and he ends up falling off the ladder and sustaining serious injury. He sued the manufacturer for not having placed a warning label on the ladder in the first place...and won! So from that point on the ladder company placed a label on all of their products that basically said 'To avoid injury don't place this ladder in a pile of shit.'
Despite the simple 1-2-3 step process on the bag of crackers, I still manage to rip open the side of the bag to the point of no return! This ususally results in the crackers being placed in a tupperware dish, or a series of chip clips to stich every last split. On a different note, I managed to drop a brand new gallon of milk when I was transporting it into the house. Lucky for me it spilled on my FAVORITE pair of flip-flops, and apparently American-Water Spanials like milk because she ate my f***ing thongs. Cheers to misbehaving dogs and groceries...
P.S. My CAPTCHA for this blog is 'ozkmm' - Im sure it is insulting me in some watered down computer way...oxymoron maybe...ozzy loves m&m's...
O.k. I am a moron because ususally implies that Sally is a fan of USU and maybe I should proofread my work. Usually... I do...HAAAAAAAAA!
Well, for the record I think Sally is a fan of USU. Or maybe it meant -us u and sally. Like we are all getting together to do something fun. I think your CAPTCHA insinuates that that Oz is coming. Like the wizard of oz. Oh wait, I am beginning to sound paranoid and delusional, like Roy! Who, by the way mentioned you in his blog. Check it out.
BTW - I dropped a gallon of milk in the store once (I mean, you read the post. I love walking around with my arm full)and it exploded all over me and several innocent bystanders. Did the same thing with yogurt. Both times I would have killed for an American Spaniel to come clean it up.
I guess we all have been there.
I dropped a large bottle of pickles
(now not to make fun of pickles girles) As the jar exploded on the floor I jumped back and started looking at everyone suspiciously as if maybe it was them that did the bomb. Everyone else did the same with the same look. See, you
don't need a Labrador or anything else. Just the right reaction. LOL
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